voluntary work

[Anonyme]

i wrote a paragraph please read it
war is the worst man made things there for we must pay attention to what was and is still happening,i believe it is our duty to help the starving children by giving them food we also must donate blood to help the injured people in hospitals and save many innocent lives ;moreover we should raise money to send it to the homelesswho are trying to survive in the devasted streets finally a good word may give hope to those who lost it

[Bakhta Prof Anglais]

Dear Wala, the topic asks you to write a dialogue between you and your friend about voluntary work and the different forms of volunteering. But, here you are just writing ideas without development and without coherence. Your ideas are good in general, but you need to develop them. You also need to pay attention to the structure of your paragraph: you have to start with a topic sentence which is the main idea of your paragraph. Then, you present the ideas one by one, and you give an example for each. Finally, you end your paragraph with a concluding sentence that summarizes your ideas. Please, be careful with your punctuation.

here is your paragraph corrected:
war is the worst man made things there for we must pay attention to what was and is still happening, (what do you mean by this sentence? Please try to be clear and write short sentences.) i believe it is our duty to help the starving children by giving them food. we also must donate blood to help the injured people in hospitals and save many innocent lives. ; moreover we should raise money to send it to the homeless who are trying to survive in the devasted devastated streets. finally saying a good words may give hope to those who has lost it.

You can correct your writing and re-send it to me.
Good Luck 🙂